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5 Techniques My Student Massage Therapist Should Stop Using November 3, 2008

Posted by Mike N. Cheese in Uncategorized.
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Because I thought I deserved a break from my high-stress job, I got a massage today.  Well, sort of.  Technically it was a massage, but the relaxing spirit of the massage was missing.

I’m sure that if I would have had the skilled hands of a licenced massage therapist working on my stressed shoulders, I would have been whisked away by the soothing sounds of the pan pipe.

But instead, I had Feather.  Ok, that’s not really her name, but it rhymes with feather.  Feather introduced me to some massage techniques that I hope I never see again.  Without further ado, I give you the 5 techniques my student massage therapist should stop using:

  1. “The Vulcan”  With the victim lying on their back, apply pressure at the top of the jaw just below the ear.  Keep constant pressure down the side of the windpipe until you reach the collarbone.  Increase pressure until you think the collarbone is about to give.
  2. “The girl-crazy test”  I used to get this all the time by well-meaning adults.  Use your thumb and index finger and apply pressure on both sides of the leg just above the kneecap.  Attempt to get your victim to laugh.  (Warning: they might be biting their tongue to resist the urge)
  3. “The kidney pulverizer”  With the victim on their stomach, apply pressure on both sides of their spine starting at the shoulders and moving towards the lower back.  As you get to the end, the victim will have a false sense of relaxation.  At this point, apply as much pressure as possible on the kidneys and rear pelvic bones.
  4. “The indian burn” For this technique, use as little massage oil as possible.  Pull at the skin on the sides and arms of the victim, pulling at the skin with the friction of your non-lubricated hands.
  5. In general, try to find areas of the body that have none or few muscles and “massage” them.  Examples might include the front of the lower leg, the ankle, or the kneecap.